New Identity

Posted by Stephan on March 13, 2010 under My Personal Therapy |

You wake up at Seatac, SFO, LAX. You wake up at O’Hare, Dallas-Fort Worth, BWI. Pacific, mountain, central. Lose an hour, gain an hour. This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time. You wake up at Air Harbor International. If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?
(Fight Club)

But I don’t really need to wake up as a different person. I only need to be able to lie to myself about myself, good enough for myself to believe it. You are a healthy person without problems, living in a nice and friendly world, where everything makes sense.

Theoretically, it can’t be that difficult. People are doing it all the time. Of course you are hitting your children because you love them and they earned it and it wasn’t your fault at all! Yes you are a good and nice person. The best boss there is. Of course you are right and everyone else is wrong! Your IQ might be a two digital number but yes if you repeat your stupid thoughts often enough everyone will see how intelligent you are!

Well it’s not that I never lied to myself or that I’m not still doing it. But I know that I am cracy. And everyone you does it must be crazy too. Being human means being crazy … and dumb. Especially living in our society leaves only two options - being totally crazy and lying to yourself or being enlightened.

Lying is an essential part of our society. Really really essential. This has been scientific proved. Children without the ability to like are considered rude outsiders - they couldn’t fit in. Though shallt not lie! - one of the ten commandments. Uh there are a lot of so called christians going to hell … at least in their believe system. But they usually don’t realise that because they are lying to themselfs. One of the requirements of being a christian in the first place. Ha! My parts just brought me a memory. I managed to make my mother cry once. Only. By. Talking. I logically explained her that by looking at her actions and her words, that she either is a very bad christian or no christian at all. Oh that was sooo much fun! A fond and treasured memory of my parts. I wish I could grap into her psyche and pull every bad thing she has done up to the surface where she just has to look at it. She would either break down or try to kill herself on the spot, so like a win win situation. The beauty of it would be that it is legal, not following any punishment from the law and I would get a big bonus from my parts. They would love that. Well they are the ones with the memories of being hit and .. stuff. I only know very little about that. Most of my actual memories about that stuff is locked away, but I know my parts remember that stuff. My poor parts. But I probably wouldn’t do it even if I could. Bad Karma and stuff. Ha it’s probably even bad karma only thinking about that stuff. But the thought has entertained my parts so it was worth it.

It is very difficult to say if my mother was a bad person. Well chances are very big that she doesn’t think of herself as being a bad person. And I know that she was and is a very stupid and crazy person. She probably meant well. But the outcome of her deeds are the ones of a bad person. And I know that there is only one person she really really cares about, and that is she herself. She would sacrifice everyone else if that meant that she might save herself.

But that’s a good example of how difficult it is to be positive and how impossible it is to keep the negative stuff out, since I intentionally wanted to write about something else. It’s also very difficult to be an ethical person. I did some bad stuff like the one I mentioned above. Well I was younger and a grown up that can’t react against the logical reasoning of a teenager is just a dumb shit. And she did some very bad things to … my parts. But to say she earned it, is a judgment that just can’t be done. Well it can but it wouldn’t be right to do so. I know it that wasn’t nice and that it wasn’t good. And I know that because I judged it that way. Oh and it might have been good. All things considered I don’t know if it was bad or good. But it wasn’t nice that’s for shure. Good and bad are after all only a human invention. So is “nice” but that’s easier to grade. Telling someone the truth might not be nice but it can be good in the long run. Again I reached the possibilities of words to express stuff I am thinking. And. I’m bored out writing.