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Posted by Stephan on March 27, 2010 under My Personal Therapy |

Do I need to talk to someone? I’m not shure. I’m in a state between wanting to open up and .. not wanting. Nice thing about that is that I usually don’t have a problem describing stuff I am dissociated from. At least I just realised that my morning pain has stopped. Tip of the day: Do not get uncureable ill. It will just screw up your whole life. I don’t even know what kind of life I would have chosen if I would never gotten ill. Which happend when I was a little child. Some parts are screaming. I do not really know about what. I can’t always translate what they want.

I don’t know if I hate my life. Do I regret? What do I regret if I regret. Theoretically my life isn’t that bad. I don’t have to work and since I do not spend much I have more money than I need to survive. More or less. Not enough money to buy myself healthy. Meaning I could die from my illnesses if I don’t pay attention all the time. If I would let go of everything and start eating and drinking everything I want I could probably die a horrible death within some months. But the money aspect might change. But. There are some problems. What if I have all the money I need to do and buy all the stuff for my well being I need … and still wont get healthy? What then? Or if I get healthy. What do I do then? Will I be able to get over my posttraumatic stress disorder? Will I be able to loose my parts? To feel again? The screaming gets louder. I think they don’t like it because there are so many things I haven’t got an answer too. Not the what if rubbish. I wasn’t talking about what really concerns me. Well some of the stuff does but it’s not important stuff at the moment. I can’t write about the important stuff. Now.

I hate being screwed up. I’d like to scream. But. I wont.

Do I feel better now that I haven’t really talked about what’s concerning me. I guess not. Screw this blog. Screw everything.