Like a phoenix from the ashes
Posted by Stephan on October 14, 2009 under 1 | 
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That’s something one of my sisters told me once. She said to me that if I weren’t a scorpion (the astrological sign), who is like a phoenix from the ashes, she would be worried about my condition. Of course she is just a crazy person like most of my family but since she said that more than six years ago I was thinking rather often about it. Not that I believe in astrology but thinking back I have been near death many times in different kind of ways.
As a child I just locked myself into a dreamworld away from my family so that at least a small part could survive their crazyness. Of course whatever be called the “psyche” of a small child just shattered and they made me just as crazy as they are. I had no real self only different kinds of masks I wasn’t aware of. But I rebelled. That tiny part that kept itself away rebelled against their crazyness. It didn’t know what was wrong but it shure knew THAT something was very wrong indeed. I was a smart kid. I teached myself to read by asking what stuff I was seeing meant when I was only five years old so it didn’t took too long for me to be smarter than they were. I was not overall smart because there was no “self” to be smart, but I could think better than they did, which just didn’t take that much on account on their less than moderate intelligence.
So what do stupid people do when confronted with something smarter than they are? Yes exactly. They use force.
“Why should I do that?”
“Because I told you so!”
They argument of the most stupid people on the planet. It took me a while to figure out that a lot of the things I thought of normal where just wrong. Getting hit as a child by your parents for example. Having to be afraid all the time to get punished for something, altough it had noting to do with me, but only whith the psychic condition of my parents at the moment. And many more.
But I also survived being a teenager somehow. I started drinking and there still was no real self but there was at least the start of a self developing. A bit more of a self that had nothing to do with them. Still crazy, still a lot masks and still a shattered psyche. But alive.
When I was 17 I wanted to commit suicide. The pressure had been to much and I was never since than that close.There was no actual try but inside I was never so determined to just end it all. But I survived.
When I was around 20 years old my psyche was at its worst point. Retrospective I would say that you could have classified me with paranoid schizophrenia. I had panic attacks, depressions, I was hallucinating, had a relly ugly self which I thought was nice, there was still constant pressure in me everywhere and stress, I had nearly no positive feelings at all and my heart was just dead (and is still not recovered). Only to name a few. Someone helped me to cope with those things, let go of some of the stuff I was carrying around and to shatter the ugly self that was my main identity. I was not cured but I survived. The ugly self was still there but now the tiny part that locked itself away when I was a child had some power too. Not much but enough to have a voice in the whole system. I can’t describe how extremly weird I felt when that happened. It was THE first time in my life that I started to have something that could be called a “self” worth mentioning. But it wasn’t the end of my problems.
At the age of 22 my crohn’s disease reached its most critical point. Well till then I thought I had a problem with my stomach and I only took medicine for my stomach because those retarded doctors told me that I most certainly had a problem with my stomach and no nothing else we are shure of that. Stupid heads. I don’t like them. Anyway. The condition of my body was serious. I had to go to the toilet about every 30 minutes to 2 hours. My body couldn’t digest food any more. On the toilet I only left blood, slime and fluids. I couldn’t sleep for more than 2 hours in a row because I had to go to the toilet. And there where two times when my body was even to weak to wake up for that. It was really disgusting and embarrassing. On my small walk to the toilet or the kitchen I had to make two stops just so I wont have a circulatory collapse. But again I survived.
Admittedly it was medicin that helped me back than. But on the other hand it might not have come to that if those stupid doctors wouldn’t have told me the problem was only my stomach. Since than my crohn’s disease brought me near death a couple of times and every time the body stopped creating pain my psyche took over to stress me out, but all that time the self was growing. I couldn’t have done so without the help of some very good friends, whom I am very very thankful for, altough I don’t know if they know it. I wouldn’t be here without them. But over the last few years I have withdrawn myself because of my illness more and more. I didn’t wanted to take any more drugs. Those drugs might have helped me to keep me alive but they didn’t do anything to cure me and their help came at a cost. They stopped the bleeding but in return also poisoned and weakend my body more and more. So I had to go another way. But it is a hard way. There was a lot of pain and I more and more lost the ability to get outside to meet anyone. In fact my life was dictated by pain and despair. I didn’t want people to see me like that. Not being able to shower or change clothing, sitting in front of my pc in underwear soaked in blood and excrements all the time just to flee from my reality as much as I could.
I think I just had to do it. Because now things have changed. I am still not cured and far from being healthy but … the phoenix is taking another turn to rise from the ashes. This time I just have to get more stable than ever bevor. I came so close to the point I was with 22 that I decided to take drugs again (cortison). They still wont cure me but they will give me time and I WILL use it as much as I can.
I have seen the point of no return (again) and I didn’t like it. But I managed to survive till now and my self is stronger than ever bevor.
Times have changed. I have changed. I am agog.
